Am I homoromantic?

[VIDEO IN ITALIAN] – Non sono io nel video ma mi rivedo in quello che dice! // It’s not me in the video but I agree with her!

Sexual orientation is an internal mechanism that directs a person’s sexual and romantic disposition towards one or more persons, to varying degrees (LeVay & Baldwin, 2012). However, defining sexual orientation is challenging in a world that is rapidly changing. Sexual orientation has been perceived either in terms of discrete categories (homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual) (LeVay & Baldwin, 2014) or as a spectrum. Even if the debate regarding its nature still remains one of the major unsolved questions in sex science (Gangestad, Bailey, & Martin, 2000; Haslam, 1997), in this post I will talk about my personal attitude towards my sexuality, which I believe to be fluid.

As you probably remember I defined myself in some posts as a bisexual woman, while in others as a lesbian. This may be confusing for some of you and that’s one of the reasons why I would like to be clearer about it. Until I was 14 I thought to be heterosexual, because I experienced romantic and sexual interests towards people of my opposite sex. However, if I look back at, for example, the 10-years-old “me” I already had some kind of fantasies or desires towards women, which emerged predominantly in the form of dreams or weird thoughts like ‘Is she looking at me? Does she like me? Is she gay?’ At 14 years old I had my first real crush for a girl at my school. After that a really long period of self-analysis began. I started to question my heterosexuality and I looked back at my past to find traces of things that could make me understand who I really was. And I remembered about how many times I asked myself if my English teacher liked me. I remembered a girl at middle school who was defined as a ‘lesbian’ just because she kissed a girl. I remembered thinking that she was gorgeous and looking at her while she smiled at me. Then I remembered my weird relationship with what I believed to be an online friend, how I tried to flirt with her and how I was sexually attracted to her. I remembered that when I was 10 I had a dream where I kissed a girl twice. After a year of deep analysis I came to the conclusion that I’m bisexual. However, my attitude and my attraction towards both sexes is different. I only had relationships with women. I define myself as a homoromantic bisexual because I only experienced romantic attraction towards women (even if I don’t exclude a remote possibility of falling in love with a man). I also believe that my degree of sexual attraction is different depending on the sex of the person involved. The majority of my sexual desires are heterosexual (85-90%), even though I’m also sexually attracted to woman and I had more sex with women than with men. However, my romantic interest in people of the opposite gender is really low. Some people have troubles understanding my sexuality and they don’t like the term homoromantic. They perceive the expression of my preferences as a threat or as a way to label what I am. But why would it be a label? Why is the term bisexual a more acceptable term than bisexual homoromantic? Bisexuality is not 50% attraction towards women and 50% attraction towards men. It’s much more complex than this, just as sexuality itself.
Even though further studies might have to clarify what sexuality is and what its relation to romantic attraction is, in this post I wanted to show you how I define myself and how proud I am to tell you: I am a bisexual. I am a homoromantic!

P. S. I’m not offended if someone uses the term lesbian to define what I am. However, I believe it’s not accurate. I prefer using the term bisexual because I don’t want to erase any part of myself. If I sleep with a man, I’m not straight. If I sleep with a woman, I’m not a lesbian. I’m still bi, I’m still me. 
Thank you. 

❤ 

[References] 

Gangestad, S. W., Bailey, J. M., & Martin, N. G. (2000). Taxometric analyses of sexual orientation and gender identity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 1109–1121.
LeVay, S., & Baldwin, J. (2012). Human sexuality (4th ed.). Sunderland, MA: Sinauer
Savin-Williams, Ritch C. “An exploratory study of the categorical versus spectrum nature of sexual orientation.” The Journal of Sex Research 51.4 (2014): 446-453.

 

 

 

I was raped by a woman (and I’m a woman, too!) 

Once I googled “woman raped by a woman”, hoping to find stories similar to mine. However, I found just a pair of articles, nothing more. That’s also the reason why I decided to share my experience with you. When I was 14 I had troubles accepting my bisexuality because I didn’t want to be a lesbian. The term “lesbian” was unacceptable for me. I associated it to pain and fear.

But… Why? Well, when I was 7 something really bad happened to me. The daughter of one of my father’s friends was always really sweet to me. I think she was 15 or 16. I remember we played video games together, we made drawings. She hugged me most of the times. I was happy. I believed I had a friend, I trusted her. But one day…something changed. The first thing I remember is that she kissed me. I didn’t know what sex was. I didn’t know what love was. But I remember that I told myself: “If you don’t like someone and this person kisses you, you gotta push them away. That’s what they do in movies.” And I did it. Once, twice, three times, but she didn’t stop. At the end I just decided to do what she asked me to do. I touched her where she told me to touch. I closed my eyes as she told me to do. “Don’t tell mum and dad. This is our secret.” I knew it was wrong what we were doing. I remember that I found it disgusting. I stopped many times to cough or because I felt like I was going to throw up. But nothing changed, it just went worse. What happened to me shocked me. This rape is part of me now. I’m the result of everything that happens to me and this rape is part of it, whether I want it or not. For many years I believed that she did what she did because she was lesbian. That was all. I believed all lesbians were evil. When I discovered to be bisexual I told myself that I didn’t want to be like her, that I couldn’t like women, that it was wrong. Then I understood. I will never be her, because I do like women, that’s true, but I’m not a pedophile.

What shocked me the most about this whole story were people’s reactions. Some of them told me I invented it, that it can’t be true. Others made fun of me. They told me “yeah, you wanna play the victim now”. But I’m not a victim, I never felt I was. I’m a warrior, I’m a surviver and I’m proud of myself! The most disappointing reaction came from my parents. I remember that I was in the bathroom, crying a lot. When they asked me what was wrong I replied: “She kissed me.” What could I say? I was scared to tell the whole truth. And how could I tell them if I didn’t even know it was sex? They just laughed. My dad said something like: “Oh, doesn’t she have a boyfriend?” and my mum’s words were even worse: “You know, we can’t tell anything. She’s the daughter of your father’s friend…”

I don’t care now. I don’t care if people tell me that I invented it. I don’t care if you believe it’s a lie just because it’s not what it’s normally associated to the word “rape”. I just want to share my story because I know that there are somewhere people who experienced something similar. You’re NOT alone. You’re strong and I believe in you. Don’t be scared to tell the truth. I’m sure your voices will be heard.

[ITALIAN – La testimonianza di ciò che è accaduto]

Non mi ricordo molto, avevo sette anni e mezzo. La storia breve è che lei era la figlia di un amico di mio padre e, quello che credevo io, ovviamente, era che mi volesse solo molto bene. Insomma, penso che qualunque bambina che vede una persona che la tratta con dolcezza, ci gioca insieme e cavoli vari allora è ovvio che ci si affeziona. E niente. Premetto che io ho un fratello più grande e comunque quando andavamo da lei, in realtà i miei genitori andavano ovviamente a trovare i loro amici e lasciavano me e mio fratello con lei. Noi giocavamo sempre alla PlayStation, finché un bel giorno questa stramaledetta PlayStation si rompe ed inizia l’incubo…mio fratello era interessato unicamente alla Play quindi eravamo sempre io e lei sole mentre lui stava con i miei, di sotto. E nulla, ho ovviamente i ricordi molto vaghi. Mi ricordo la prima volta che lei si è avvicinata e mi ha baciata. Io sono rimasta interdetta, l’ho solo spinta..non sapevo un cavolo di niente, per me era semplicemente un “faccio quello che ho visto nelle serie tv”, ovvero che quando qualcuno non ti interessa lo respingi. Ma comunque lei ha continuato e mano mano le cose sono sempre più peggiorate. La maggior parte delle volte voleva stare lei sopra di me, altre volte mi costringeva a toccarla e io non capivo bene ovviamente che stavo facendo. E niente, le cose più brutte di questa storia sono state le reazioni della gente. Ai miei genitori, quell’estate ho raccontato semplicemente una volta in lacrime che lei mi avesse baciata. La loro reazione? “E non ce l’ha un ragazzo?” e poi una solita solfa sul “non dover dire nulla, perché è la figlia di un caro amico di tuo padre”. Nessuna domanda su che fosse successo di preciso, nulla. La cosa è stata liquidata in pochi secondi. Mi ha fatto malissimo ed ancora oggi mi sento malissimo se ci penso. In futuro ho provato a raccontare questa cosa. C’è chi si è dispiaciuto per me, c’è chi invece mi ha detto di essermi inventata tutto per attirare attenzioni, perché giustamente secondo loro dovevo avere una storia dolorosa alle spalle per risultare “interessante”. Ancora oggi ho paura ad aprirmi con le persone e questa cosa non l’ho più raccontata a nessuno (a parte la mia ex) da quando mi è stato accusato di inventarmi tutto. Sono stanca di passare per la vittima. Io non sono una vittima! Sono stata forte e ho superato tutto da sola. Nessuno mi ha difesa, nessuno ha cercato di aiutarmi. Quando ho scoperto di essere bisessuale, ho avuto tante difficoltà ad accettarmi soprattutto per questa cosa che mi è successa da piccola. Perché fino a quel momento pensavo che le lesbiche fossero persone cattive e che facessero cose sbagliate. Ho dovuto scindere omosessualità/bisessualità da pedofilia, ho dovuto capire che sono così perché sono così e non per quello che ho subito. Insomma, tante cose. E io ci tengo comunque a raccontare quello che mi è successo, perché non me ne vergogno. Avrei voluto solo sapere perché, perché fare un gesto simile a una bambina di 7 anni. Io l’ho rivista, la rivedo ogni volta che vado a votare. Inutile dire che non mi guarda neanche in faccia. E’ lei quella che si vergogna, non io. Io cammino a testa alta. Altre volte l’ho sognata. Una volta in particolare ho sognato chiaramente che la abbracciavo e che le dicevo di averla perdonata. Perché sì, io l’ho perdonata comunque e soprattutto, ho perdonato me stessa, per essere bisessuale ed essere quella che sono.

There’s too much confusion about the word “feminism”

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According to OxfordDictionaries.com, feminism is “The advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.”

In its definition feminism contains the term “equality.”

As I said in another post,  it was at high school when I heard the word feminism for the first time.

As an Italian native speaker,  things get even more complicated since there are two terms to refer to sexism:”maschilismo” and” sessismo”. “Maschilismo” probably derives from “maschio”, which is male in Italian. In Italian it is a synonym for “sessismo”, that’s all.

However, some people believe that, since feminism derives from the word “femmina” (female),  feminism would be “superiority of women over men”. This is completely wrong in my opinion.

Some people propose “antisexism” as a neutral term, but I think there’s nothing to change. You can even call it “apple”, what matters is what is it about: equality.

Thanks to feminism I learned to fully accept myself and to be more tolerant to minorities in general. I wish everyone could know the benefits of feminism!

When I heard the word “feminism” for the first time

[This post may contain mistakes, because English.is not my first language]

Maybe you were wondering where I have been such a long time.

Well, my life is always full of changes and unexpected facts, so you shouldn’t worry if I don’t post for some months. I’ve not forgotten this blog and certainly I won’t.

Today I want to talk about something autobiographic, but in some ways related to feminism.

When did I hear the term “feminism” for the first time?

I was at high school. It was my 4th or 5th year, if I am not mistaken. My philosophy teacher said:

I believe in the equality between men and women. I’m a feminist.

I remember that I didn’t question the word “feminism.” Even if it was the first time I heard it, it was clear to me that it had a positive meaning. What surprised me was that a male pronounced it. I guess this may be related to the fact that, whether we want it or not, we are all affected by patriarchy.

Patriarchy, directly or indirectly, controls our minds. It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself a feminist or not. It is really likely that you experience the violence and the injustice of patriarchy, because our society is grounded in it.

Now I think differently. It doesn’t surprise me anymore when a man tell me he is a feminist, because I’ve become a feminist myself.

But, to be honest, does it matter if a person is male, woman or non-binary?

We are all people, that’s what it matters, and we should all fight against patriarchy!

And you? When did you hear the word “feminism” for the first time?

Leave a comment, if you want.

P.s. I will talk about my teacher in other posts. I know it may be a little bit personal, but he really had a big influence on me!

Yes, I’m a free bitch!

[This post may contain mistakes, because I’m not English.]

[Traduzione italiana disponibile dopo il post in inglese.]

Hi! My name is Sayuri, I’m 20 and I live in the south of Italy. My real name is different, but everyone on the Internet call me Sayuri.

I decided to create this blog to talk about my experience as a discriminated person. I think I am part of more than one discriminated category. First of all, I am a lesbian. Secondly, I am a southern Italian girl. Finally, I am a woman. Therefore, I experienced three types of discrimination. All of them shocked me, and this is the main reason why I am writing this post right now.

Let’s start with my first assertion: “I am a lesbian.”

This sentence should not be interpreted literally. It is very difficult to label my own sexuality, since I have very strange tastes. I am not equally attracted by both sexes, but it would be very difficult to give you in a few lines, dear readers, a good representation of my sexuality. From a physical point of view, I like both girls and boys. But, from a romantic point of view, I have always preferred women. This is the reason why I believe I am a lesbian. As a lesbian, I have been discriminated only a few times, when I was a teenager. What I experienced more was (and still is) being sexualized by males. Many people asked me to have a threesome, orgies, or something like that. Many men liked me only because they imagined me (or hoped to see me) having sex with another woman. This may seem incredible, but it is the truth.

Being sexualized is an issue that I experienced both as a woman and as a lesbian/bisexual girl.

Being a southern Italian girl, I experienced discrimination because of my origins. I live in Campania, near Naples, one of the most beautiful cities of the world. However, for many Northern Italians we (I mean, southern people) are dirty, uncivilized, and underdeveloped. Even among feminists the prejudices about Southern Italians are widespread. For example, I remember a discussion about feminicide and harassment on a Facebook page. The administrator of this page argued that ‘harassment is more likely to happen in the south of Italy’.

She said this without any clues. When some people replied that feminicide, for example, happens more in northern Italy than in the Southern part of the peninsula, the administrator pointed out that ‘feminicide is so widespread in the North because more women work there than in the south; thus, it is just the result of female independency from men.’
I believe that asserting that feminicide is the result of emancipation is really dangerous. According to this logic many people may say that it might have been better if the women never worked. Furthermore, I did not expect that these prejudices could be common even in feminists’ pages.

As a feminist, I believe that feminism should be equality, but not only for women. As a southern Italian feminist, I decided to have a reaction against it.

The third type of discrimination I experienced is sexism (sessismo or maschilismo in Italian). As a woman, I have always felt disadvantaged. My brother could do things that were denied to me. My male classmates had the right to speak. We, the females, most of the times didn’t. When a boy tried to rape me (fortunately, he did not), my ex-girlfriend told me that it was my fault, because I was a bitch. But these are just some examples. I don’t want to talk about too many things right now. I just want to say that this blog will be about myself, as a member of three discriminated groups. Some posts will be serious, others will be not. I hope just to let you know as many things as possible about my country and my life.

The last thing I would like to talk about is why my blog is called puttana libera. A translation could be ‘free bitch’. Well, I think that ‘bitch’ is used as an offense by most misogynists. However, I have chosen this name because I’m not afraid of being labelled as a bitch. Maybe I can be a bitch, but at least I’m free. And if you call me bitch only because I want the right to be myself, you’re just a fucking misogynist.

Peace.

Sayuri.

Italian Translation:

Ciao a tutti! Sono Sayuri, ragazza ventenne del Sud d’Italia. Il mio vero nome è Flavia, ma tutti myi chiamano Sayuri. Ho deciso di creare questo blog per parlare della mia esperienza come persona discriminata, siccome penso di far parte di più di una categoria discriminata. Prima di tutto, sono lesbica. Poi, sono del Sud. Infine, sono una donna. Per questo posso dire di aver vissuto tre tipi diversi di discriminazione: ciascuno di essi ha avuto ripercussioni sulla mia vita. Ecco perché vi sto scrivendo.

Iniziamo dalla mia prima frase: “Sono lesbica”

Non dovete interpretarla letteralmente. E’ molto difficile etichettare la mia sessualità, dato che ho gusti strani. Non sono attratta da ambedue I sessi in modo equo. Dal punto di vista fisico mi piacciono sia uomini che donne, ma considerando solo l’aspetto sentimentale, ho sempre preferito le donne. In quanto lesbica, sono stata discriminata poche volte quando ero un’adolescente. Quel che ho vissuto di più (e lo vivo ancora) è stato essere oggettificata e “sessualizzata” da alcuni uomini. Mi è capitato che mi invitassero a partecipare ad un threesome o orge e molti uomini mi stavano attorno solo perché mi immaginavano o speravano di vedermi far sesso con un’altra donna. Questo può sembrare incredibile, ma è la verità.

Inoltre, essendo una meridionale, sono stata discriminata spesso per le mie origini. Vivo in Campania, vicino Napoli, una delle città più belle al mondo. Tuttavia, per molti settentrionali, noi meridionali siamo sporchi, incivili ed inferiori. Anche tra femministe i pregiudizi riguardo i meridionali sono molto diffusi. Per esempio, ricordo una discussione sul femminicidio e sulle molestie su una pagina Facebook. L’amministratrice della pagina ha dichiarato che ‘è più probabile che si venga molestate al Sud.’ L’ha detto senza avere alcuna prova.

Quando qualcuno ha risposto che il femminicidio, ad esempio, accade di più al Nord che al Sud, l’amministratrice si è difesa dicendo che ‘è più diffuso al Nord perché le donne lavorano di più che al sud; quindi, è solo il risultato dell’indipendenza femminile dagli uomini.’
Credo che dire che il femminicidio derivi dall’emancipazione femminile sia molto pericoloso. Secondo questa logica, molte persone potrebbero dire che sarebbe stato meglio se le donne non avessero mai lavorato. Inoltre, non mi aspettavo che tali pregiudizi potessero essere così comuni in pagine femministe.

In quanto femminista, penso che il femminismo sia uguaglianza, ma non solo per le donne. In quanto femminista del Sud, ho deciso di reagire a quanto detto dalla admin.

Il terzo tipo di discriminazione che ho vissuto è stato il sessismo. Come donna mi sono sentita sempre svantaggiata.  Mio fratello poteva fare cose che mi erano negate. I miei compagni di classe si sesso maschile avevano il diritto di parlare. Noi, le femmine, no. Dovevamo tacere. Quando un ragazzo ha provato a stuprarmi (fortunatamente, sono riuscita a fermarlo), la mia ex ragazza mi ha detto che era colpa mia, perché sono una puttana. Questi sono solo alcuni esempi. Ma non voglio parlare di questo ora. Vorrei solo dire che in questo blog parlerò di me come membro di tre minoranze discriminate. Alcuni post saranno seri, altri no. Spero solo che potrete avere quante più notizie possibili su di me. L’ultima cosa che volevo chiarire è la scelta del nome di questo blog.

Perché “puttana libera”?
Beh, molti misogini usano la parola “puttana” come un’offesa. Ma io non ho paura di essere chiamata così. Forse sono davvero una puttana, ma almeno sono libera. E se mi chiami troia solo perché voglio essere me stessa, allora sei solo un maschilista di merda.
Peace.
Sayuri.